In his memoir, A Trans Man Walks into a Gay Bar, Harry Nicholas details his long journey of self-discovery, transitioning from identifying as a lesbian to a straight man, and finally to a gay man. This process spanned about ten years, from the ages of 13 to 23. Nicholas uses a humorous tone to describe his shifts in identity, reflecting on society’s lack of recognition for such transformations. He jokes that while people give out certificates for children’s sports achievements, there are no cards or celebrations for milestones like “new name, new you,” or “congratulations on getting your tits lobbed off.”

When discussing gender and sexual orientation, Harry emphasizes the complexity of this journey. Initially, he thought of himself as a “straight girl,” but due to his gender dysphoria and masculine traits, he was perceived by everyone around him as a lesbian (even though he never fully identified with that label). It wasn’t until after his breakup with his long-term girlfriend, Lucy, that he began to reflect on his sexual attraction, feeling lost and depressed. His emotional relationship with Lucy was an essential part of understanding the fluidity of his sexual orientation: at first, he proudly identified as a lesbian, but over time, he realized his gender identity didn’t fit the “female” role, eventually coming to terms with being a transgender man. This shift in identity significantly impacted his relationship with Lucy.

Harry also shares that in his early years, he had never even heard of a "trans man," which caused much confusion and struggle in his self-identity. Without clear language or concepts to describe his gender identity, he felt lost, confused, lonely, and helpless throughout his adolescence. It wasn’t until later that he gradually began to understand and accept both his gender and sexual orientation. During this journey, he had to confront not only external pressures and misunderstandings but also his internal conflicts and struggles. The intertwining of gender identity and sexual orientation forced him to continuously re-examine and adjust his self-understanding over those ten years.

Harry speaks candidly and movingly about his confusion around gender identity and sexual orientation. In his relationship with Lucy, although he initially believed he was a lesbian attracted to women, his evolving gender identity led him to question his sexual orientation. Lucy's presence made him reflect on his understanding of sexual attraction—he began to realize that sexual orientation is not fixed. In his discussion of the fluidity of sexual orientation, Nicholas highlights the complexity of the intersection between gender and sexual orientation, acknowledging that sexual orientation can shift alongside changes in gender identity.

After his exploration, though Harry now identifies as a gay man, this process wasn’t a straightforward, linear transition. Sexual orientation, he explains, is fluid, and as he continued to explore his gender identity, his sexual orientation also evolved. He notes that this part of his story is often the most fascinating to others, especially after a few drinks with friends. He, too, acknowledges the inherent intrigue in these complex identities.

Harry’s journey reveals that sexual orientation and gender identity are not simply binary opposites but are instead fluid and dynamic. This fluidity posed challenges but also offered more room for self-exploration. His feelings, struggles, and transformations throughout this journey are incredibly valid and worthy of recognition. The process of exploring gender and sexual orientation is inherently difficult, particularly when there’s insufficient societal support or language tools to understand oneself.

In fact, many people during their formative years might face pressures from family, school, and society, leading to mental health issues such as anxiety and depression. However, these problems are not inherent to the individual but are often the result of external environments that fail to understand or accept them. This is especially true for gender-diverse individuals, who frequently experience external pressures like misunderstanding, distortion, or outright dismissal of their experiences.

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