The Weight of Family Expectations: Marriage and Control

In many families, Lunar New Year conversations inevitably turn to topics like career progress and marriage. For queer individuals, the dreaded “When are you getting married?” is more than just a question—it’s a stark reminder of societal and familial expectations that may not align with their identity or choices.

For parents, these questions often stem from a place of love, but also from deeply rooted fears and cultural pressures. In some cases, they view their child’s marriage as a measure of their own success or as a way to uphold family honor. This can lead to an unintentional but profound sense of control, where a child’s independence and personal choices are sacrificed to fulfill parental expectations.

This pressure is amplified by heteronormative social norms, where heterosexual marriage is often seen as the default, even the “right” way to live. For queer people, their identities, relationships, and life paths may be dismissed or invalidated, leaving them feeling invisible and isolated within the very space that should feel the safest.

Emotional Abandonment and the Influence of Confucian Values

In many Asian families, emotional abandonment is a subtle but pervasive phenomenon. Parents may not openly reject their children, but their emotional needs often go unnoticed, ignored, or overridden by familial obligations and traditional roles.

Confucian values, which emphasize filial piety—or “xiao”—play a significant role in shaping these dynamics. Filial piety teaches respect and obedience toward one’s parents and elders, which can be a beautiful expression of gratitude and care. However, it can also become a burden when interpreted as absolute submission to parental authority. For queer individuals, this can manifest as emotional blackmail or a dismissal of their needs in favor of maintaining family order.

During Lunar New Year, these cultural expectations are heightened. The holiday revolves around family harmony and upholding tradition, leaving little room for individuality or conversations that challenge the status quo. Queer individuals may feel trapped, forced to play a role that erases their true selves in exchange for peace.

Redefining Reunion: Finding Empowerment and Support

Lunar New Year doesn’t have to be a time of sacrifice or suppression. It can be an opportunity to set boundaries, prioritize your well-being, and redefine what reunion means to you. Here are some ways to navigate these challenges with care and agency:

• Set boundaries: If marriage or identity becomes an uncomfortable topic, it’s okay to redirect the conversation. A gentle but firm response like, “I appreciate your concern, but I’d rather not talk about this now,” can help protect your emotional space without escalating tension.
• Take space when needed: If family dynamics become overwhelming, stepping away is not an act of disrespect—it’s an act of self-care. A walk outside or a moment of solitude can provide a much-needed reset.
• Accept parental limitations: Many parents are shaped by the cultural and generational values they grew up with, which may limit their ability to fully understand or accept your identity. Their love may not always align with your needs, but it doesn’t diminish your worth. You are not responsible for meeting their every expectation.
• Lean on your chosen family: If your biological family cannot provide the support you need, turn to your chosen family—friends, partners, and communities who see and celebrate you for who you are. Lunar New Year can be just as meaningful when spent with those who make you feel safe and loved.

Creating Your Own Lunar New Year Traditions

Reunion is not about meeting expectations or sacrificing your authenticity. It’s about connection—whether that’s with your biological family or the people you choose to surround yourself with. Lunar New Year can be a time to reflect on your values, nurture your relationships, and celebrate your identity on your own terms.

As you navigate the complexities of family gatherings, remember: you are not alone. Your identity is valid. Your emotions are worthy of acknowledgment. And you deserve a space where you can be fully and unapologetically yourself.

This Lunar New Year, how will you define reunion? Let’s continue the conversation—share your story, your challenges, and the ways you’ve found empowerment in the face of family expectations. Together, we can create a community of support and understanding.

‍